Relationship Cathatsis

I have some bottled up anger that I have to spill. Just bare with me and don't get mad.

Okay the last few months have been hard on me. The fact that I've started college and that it is completely different from high school, has nothing to do with it. The fact that I have time that I didn't have before also has nothing to do with it. It all boils down to relationship issues. Not only on a boyfriend level, but also on a friendship level. Everyone of my relationships have turned completely around and upside down, plus I have some new ones. The relationships vary from one person to another. I have the new, Stacy, Jessica, Jeremy, Zach, Mother, and crushes.

First things first, I have some new friends. Wow that's a shocker. I only talk to about anybody and everybody. New Friendships are a plus and come with the fact that I am in a new environment. I am human, and humans tend to adapt to their environments. No major change there. I mean I haven't even hung out with any of these new "friends".

Then there is Stacy. She is fairly new. We met back in February at work. We didn't become close until I quit in August. Now we meet up and hang out at least once a week. I love her to death. The only thing is she is still in high school, so we don't hang out much and she can't do everything she wants to do. She is dating a guy that she is not supposed to be dating, so we have to watch what we say and do. I don't like lying and that is what I feel like I'm doing, by sneaking around and everything else.

Jessica... where can we start. Jessica is a friend of mine who has a daughter, Destiny. Jessica and I have known each other for about 2 years. We met at work. There has been 3 occasions where I have had plans with Jessica and she blew me off with no notice or phone call. I was just left waiting. Well I have forgiven her for that. Jessica & I hung out back in August, shortly after I quit my job. Well it was fun, but Jessica is so down on life that it brings you down too. She also may be addicted to some things. I do not like putting myself around that due to the fact that I don't want to take the chance on starting anything like that. I love her to death, but I like surrounding myself with positive people. She gets mad because I don't call her. Well phones work both ways. Now she has become down right jealous and bitchy towards me and Stacy. I know it is because she feels that Stacy has taken her spot. Still why treat me and Stacy like crap?


Now for Jeremy. Jeremy and I have known each other for about 5 years, and we dated almost 3 years of that. We broke up 2 months ago, but we still talk. It sometimes is hard to go from being able to talk to someone about anything for that long, to not knowing what to say. The new song, "Hot and Cold", by Kate Perry, is almost word for word about him. He is very wishy washy. One day we are cool and we are talking, next day he is ignoring my calls, not calling, or lying to me. Well a week ago this past Saturday... he called me at like 11pm, when he got off work to talk. Which was random seeing as we hadn't talked for about 3 days. Anyways, he asked for me to come over. I did and we talked. He told me how he was still "in love" with me and how he felt that growing. He said that he was sorry and that he wanted to talk again. I said okay. I do still love him but I'm not fully "in love" with him, anymore. Well we didn't talk that Sunday. Then we hung out Monday, Tuesday, & Thursday with his friend Myles. Then hung out Friday, by ourselves. Saturday we didn't talk, which was okay, even though that would have been our 3 year mark. He called at 1:00 Sunday morning because he was riding around and he was bored. We hung out Sunday with Myles again. Well Monday, I call him when I get out of class, to see if he wanted to hangout. He said he was going to take a nap and then he would call me when he woke up. Guess what? He never called. Surprise there. Well we hung out Tuesday with Myles. After Myles left, I asked why he didn't call me when he woke up. He said " I didn't wake up till 7. It's not like I didn't want to call. I just didn't". I replied with there is always a choice and that it is never to late to call me. He replied that he knew and that he was really sorry. So I let it go. Well then Wednesday when he got off work, we hung out until it was time to go out to eat with his grandaddy. Which was all of about 2 hours. Well he called when he got done to tell me that he was just going to go to bed and that Myles had to clean his room before this weekend. I told him that Stacy & I were going to Snow Biz, and asked if he wanted me to stop by on my way back through. He said no because he was about to go to bed in a few minutes. To go to Stacy's house I have to pass Jeremy's, well when I did I saw that the porch light was on, which means he is either gone or that he is in the garage for awhile. So on my way back to Stacy's house after Snow Biz, I saw that the living room light, the porch light, as well as the garage lights were on. Which meant that him and Myles were in the garage. Now, this pisses me off. Not because I'm not over there, but because he lied to me and about something so stupid!!!!! I had it, it in my mind that I was giving up on him and I when he called that Saturday. Once I give up on someone, then there is NO other chance. I guess I am going to start giving up on him again. At least I didn't get my hopes up this time. I'm not going to bring it to his attention that I know. What would be the point? It won't do any good. He will tell me if he wants to. I doubt he will.


Speaking of chances....Before Jeremy and I, I dated a guy named Zach. He cheated on me twice, within 3 weeks. So I said I was through and gave up on him. Well he added me on Facebook the other day, which it was nice to hear from him after 3 years. But I refuse to allow myself to give him a second thought. He messed up his chance. He didn't treat me right when he had me. That was over 3 years ago, and I sill refuse to give him another chance. Once I fully set my mind to something, it is way too hard to change it.

My mother and I have been close since the 9th grade. I mean we have had more of a friendship than a mother/daughter relationship. Though we have had our share of disagreements, it has yet to come in between our relationship. Well she likes Jeremy, but doesn't think that he deserves another chance. So the fact that I talk to him, really bothers her. Also, I have went through some changes in the past few months and she is not really liking them. My hair and the fact that I'm about to get another piercing are only 2 of the things that we disagree on. She will tell me what she thinks about them, but won't say much more than that because I can do what I please without permission, which I think bothers her as well. I love my mother, but we have barely been able to look at each other, let alone talk to each other, the past few weeks.

Which now brings me to the dating/crushes/guys part..... I don't like dating. It seems like everytime I go out there is just nothing there. I have went on a bunch of dates in the past 2 months. I have had a bunch more offer, but I have just started making up excuses to not go because I don't want the hassle. There are only 3 guys that I would be interested in dating right now. One of those is Jeremy, but we see where that is going. And one is cute and I like, but 30, that is just too old for me. I cap off at 24, maybe 25. Then the third one, I do not know how he feels about me. I felt like he was avoiding me for a couple of days, but now I don't know. My standards for guys are slightly high. Jeremy treated me great in the beginning and up until this year, so he kinda raised the bar for guys that I date.

So I am beginning to give up on all relationships, not just the boyfriend ones. I have guy trust issues. I inherited that from my mother. It is just hard to open up in general, much less let someone in. And to have been hurt so bad in the past by men, it is that much harder to let them in. And I guess that concludes my much needed catharsis.

Weird day meets dating revelation

Today was a little different. After being in my English class for about 15 min. we found out it was cancelled, so I went to my dad's office to get the card to go get gas. At the gas station, I saw a guy from my English class walking home. Feeling bad that anyone would have to walk home and being the person I am I decide to take him home. When I get back to my dad's office he didn't like the fact that I took someone I barely knew home. Then I went to my dad's house, like I do every Tuesday and Thursday, to eat lunch and study before my evening class at 5. Well about 3:00 pm, John (one of my lab partners) called me and told me that there was a bulletin about class being cancelled, so I went to my dad's office and checked and it was cancelled. So pretty much I drove all the way to Jeff State for no reason. Since I had some time to kill, I decided to go see my Mee-Maw that I haven't seen her in a while because of my busy schedule. She talked to me what seemed like forever, as she always does. Then I came home to do my lovely math homework.


Anyways, I decided that I don't really need to be down on the whole dating scene. I have dated alot of guys in the last month and a half, but nothing seems to be there. I can get plenty of dates and for some reason the whole moral issue is not scaring too many away and they want second dates, but I don't. I'm not looking, because normally it just kinda hits me. I use to like some of the guys I went on dates with, but I don't now. Maybe my taste has changed or maybe there is just nothing there or maybe it is just not meant for me to have someone right now . That is okay with me. I'm just going to live day by day and see where that takes me. I have plenty of time to find Mr. Right. I don't want to get married or have kids anytime soon, so there is no rush! I'm not going to let this get me down because I have too much ahead of me to worry over guy issues. lol. That's my revelation.

A little about me

I'm 18 years old. I attend Jeff State. I really do love it there. I'm a business management/ accounting major. I am a christian and a lot of my views on life come from that.


I'm single, and will probably be that way for a while. I do date though, just nothing too serious. I just got out of an almost 3 year relationship. His name was Jeremy and we have been friends for about 5 years. We still talk. Sometimes it is hard. He was my support for so long. Throughout high school he pushed me where no one else had. It helped me become who I am today. I wouldn't have ran for any kind of leadership roles if it were not for him. Those leadership roles played a big part of my high school career. He always believed in me, even when no one including me did. But as we grew older our goals changed. He turned 21 and now all of a sudden wants the party lifestyle, which is fine with me if that's what he wants. It is hard for me to put into words what he has meant to me for so long. I know how I feel about him, but I don't know if I could allow myself to be with him again one day. He wants to talk, he says he wants to get back together someday, I don't know. It is a sore issue right now. But I put it all in God's hands.

Which brings me to my next point. I am a christian. I do not attend church regularly. I do read the Bible daily and pray. I have values that I hold on to no matter what. I do NOT condemn anyone who does not see eye to eye or that practices anything that I do not agree with for myself. I do not believe in abortion, but whether it is illegal or legal, people are going to find ways to do it, some worse than others. I do not partake in sex before marriage. It has split up a couple of my relationships and well that's fine. It is something I chose to do along time ago.

I like almost everything. I'm always up for something new. I love the outdoors. I'm not afraid to get dirty by any means. I like 4-wheeling, playing sports, hunting, etc. I do like the indoors as well. I love watching football. I am an Auburn fan. Any college football game is good with me. I love reading, but I don't find much time to enjoy it. I've been known to play a video game or two. I'm really bad at them though, especially guitar hero. lol. I love hanging out with friends. I've always said I don't have best friends because of the drama, but I think I have had one without knowing it. Her name is Stacy. I love her to death. She is my dinner date most of the time and she doesn't like anyone to take her place. She is a speed demon and hence the nickname "Tokyo Drift". She has got her way out of many tickets. But it is an adrenaline rush, so I don't complain TOO much. lol.


I do not get too close to people. I have a HUGE wall around my heart. I don't let many people in. I've been hurt bad in the past by friends and family. (that's another topic all together). That is why I partake in the "don't have best friends, just have alot of friends". I hide my emotions. I try my best to be a happy person. If I am depressed or something, most likely you won't know it. Most people can not tell if I am hurt or if there is something truly wrong with me. Currently there are only 2 people who can tell if there is something wrong, even if I'm smiling. Those 2 people are my mom and Jeremy. You have to really know me, which may take some time. Most people don't stick around that long.


That's about all I feel like writing. So just ask if you want to know.